Is there anyone out there

Sadly, I can't pick up Channel 5 in South Africa. Could one of my 'Harmette' groupies please record Columbo from 15.30-17.30, today, on channel 5? It stars Johnny Cash. I love Johnny Cash, and have been practising my impersonations of him- I have been walking around saying: "Hello, I'm Steve Harmison" to the only two people who visit me: Duncan 'Fletch' Fletcher, and Andrew 'Straussy' Strauss, who comes to the hospital to play some games he learned at public school. I still don't like these games, but I like the company. He's made up a special game for me called 'Ring of Fire', because I missed everyone playing it before we won the third test. I find the game quite painful, and Straussy says I can't tell the doctors about it, especially the part where he puts the fire out. But I think they've noticed I'm not making the progress they expected, and they notice me crying at night-time.

Today, I get to watch the one day game. I'm very excited about it. I'm going to take my air rifle and sit in the top row and play Army.

Spring Forwards

Hello. I haven't put anything in my diary because my stress fractures are so depressing. I'm lying in bed watching television. I decided to not put my clock forwards, and am just watching E4+1, Cartoon Network +1, and Afrikaans News 25 instead.

End of third test

My diary was going to tell you about the tragedy of me going for a golden duck to Apil Krumble, my rock steady bowling display, and Duncan Fletcher's rendition of Barbie Girl, but I've just seen the news.

What the fuck are the Israeli military doing this time? Every country deserves the right to hold its own prisoners, and make its own judicial decisions. I would've thought Israel would know this better than most, since they imprison most young Palestinian men at some point in their lives, for 'security' reasons. It is a truly disgusting, symbolic, invasion of the little bit of power that Palestine has within the pissy little borders that Israel pretends to recognise.

And the role of the Britain that I'm representing at Test level is fucking cowardly, pulling out of a premises that they were meant to be protecting. I wouldn't want the army in my corner protecting me. Though there was little they could do, having made the pattern for storming Arab prisons in Basra last year.

Today there was an act of violence, arrogance, stupidity and cowardice that will set a new standard for all the other violent, arrogant, stupid, cowards in the area- and there's a lot of them.

It's just not cricket.

Tape found

Sir Ian Blair: "Can I speak to Lord Hutton, please?"
Lord Hutton: "Speaking."
Sir Ian Blair: "Is your freezer running?"
Lord Hutton: "Pardon?"
Sir Ian Blair: "You'd better go and catch it, then. Ha ha. Nob."

Sir Ian Blair hangs up the telephone, but leaves the tape running.

Sir Ian Blair: "That was so funny, I can't wait to play the boys the tape"
Brian Paddick: "Sir Blair, your joke didn't work. I don't believe his freezer was running."
Sir Ian Blair: "It will be when I tell the story"

Tape ends.

Second test, day 2

We had Apple Crumble at the tea break today. 'Freddie' Flintoff picked up a big slice, shouted "Who amI!", then threw it at me. It hit me on the chest, then fell on the floor. He then shouted "Apil Krumble! You'll have t'bat better than that, Harmy, if you don't want Apil Krumble to get you out!". Trying to join in, I picked the apple crumble up off the floor and shoved it in my mouth, and shouted "I'm going to swallow Anil Kumble's balls!". No one has spoken to me since.

Second test, day 1

Have decided to take up a diary of the tour, since it's raining here. So far, we've done well for ourselves. My batting was amazing, and I'm hoping to be the opener for the second innings. I practised yesterday by batting golf balls using a toothpick, and not wearing a box. It seems to have heightened my reactions and co-ordination, but left me needing Andrew Strauss to use a sand wedge to chip out of my rough. I let him do it because he's good at not touching balls close to the off-stump.

Awgh. Flintoff's done a really smelly fart. He really lets rip sometimes. He's got a bit of Delhi Belly at the moment. I'm waiting for Ian 'Belly' Bell to fart, so I can say that he's got Blow-off Flintoff.

I'll get Flintoff back for that fart though. In a couple of years, he'll realise that I'm the father of his baby! Just got a text from Shane 'Shaney Warney' Warne congratulating me. He's the only one who knows.