Second test, day 1

Have decided to take up a diary of the tour, since it's raining here. So far, we've done well for ourselves. My batting was amazing, and I'm hoping to be the opener for the second innings. I practised yesterday by batting golf balls using a toothpick, and not wearing a box. It seems to have heightened my reactions and co-ordination, but left me needing Andrew Strauss to use a sand wedge to chip out of my rough. I let him do it because he's good at not touching balls close to the off-stump.

Awgh. Flintoff's done a really smelly fart. He really lets rip sometimes. He's got a bit of Delhi Belly at the moment. I'm waiting for Ian 'Belly' Bell to fart, so I can say that he's got Blow-off Flintoff.

I'll get Flintoff back for that fart though. In a couple of years, he'll realise that I'm the father of his baby! Just got a text from Shane 'Shaney Warney' Warne congratulating me. He's the only one who knows.