Amish Paradise
Welcome to day 25 of my Amish blog. It's been a long and fruitful journey, from the time my horse got syphilis not long after my brother, Dixon, to the time I couldn't blog because I'd spent 38 continuous hours running in a giant wheel to generate enough electricty to blog. A task I still found more rewarding than cycling. Thanks to all my regular readers and supporters, who sent me a collection of quilts this winter. However, it is my duty to tell those who sent me Razzle that they will be damned in hell. No need for quilts there!
Obviously, I run this risk myself, for using the computer. I know you're all wondering how this fits my beliefs. Thankfully, I've circumnavigated the problem by purchasing a key-prodder that I attach to my forehead. Much like the 'spastics' you see on 'television'. (Although, in my community (Surbiton) we call them 'little devils' and drown them. ;-)) fodivnoiefn. Damn! I sneezed! Hopefully, the fact that my body never touches the keyboard will spare me eternal damnation. Although some of the things I've seen on the internet might not. Only yesterday I saw an advert for a Ford Mondeo. The only place you'll go fast in that is hell. No need for a heater there!
My life isn't that different from anyone else's. I get up at 4 am, milk the cows. Then plough the fields, using the cows. I have lunch, pot noodle, then run in my wheel- we're not allowed toys, and sports are evil. Although this all stands to change. Mr Amish- the leader of our community -has made a proclamation that the use of animals is evil and modern. So from next week, we'll be milking Aunt Tandy in the morning, and I'll be riding my nephew, Jessop, 8 miles to town and back to collect the 8 gallons of dirty water we drink- pure water is modern. The only way that'll make you thin is when you sweat it out in the fiery pits of hell! No point in cooling down there!
I must go now. My cousin, Richer Sounds, has chewed the leg off our mule, and has a tootache. So I must knock him out and remove it. Typical. You can never find the beating post when you need it.
Obviously, I run this risk myself, for using the computer. I know you're all wondering how this fits my beliefs. Thankfully, I've circumnavigated the problem by purchasing a key-prodder that I attach to my forehead. Much like the 'spastics' you see on 'television'. (Although, in my community (Surbiton) we call them 'little devils' and drown them. ;-)) fodivnoiefn. Damn! I sneezed! Hopefully, the fact that my body never touches the keyboard will spare me eternal damnation. Although some of the things I've seen on the internet might not. Only yesterday I saw an advert for a Ford Mondeo. The only place you'll go fast in that is hell. No need for a heater there!
My life isn't that different from anyone else's. I get up at 4 am, milk the cows. Then plough the fields, using the cows. I have lunch, pot noodle, then run in my wheel- we're not allowed toys, and sports are evil. Although this all stands to change. Mr Amish- the leader of our community -has made a proclamation that the use of animals is evil and modern. So from next week, we'll be milking Aunt Tandy in the morning, and I'll be riding my nephew, Jessop, 8 miles to town and back to collect the 8 gallons of dirty water we drink- pure water is modern. The only way that'll make you thin is when you sweat it out in the fiery pits of hell! No point in cooling down there!
I must go now. My cousin, Richer Sounds, has chewed the leg off our mule, and has a tootache. So I must knock him out and remove it. Typical. You can never find the beating post when you need it.
posted by Steve Harmison | 6:33 AM
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