Mr Bloggy

Things I have observed

2011-04-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

People in Japan wear facemasks, which may or may not be related to smells made by Garreth. Sometimes, a mother may wear a mask, but her children do not, making them the miner's canary.

Everthing looks mad. In adverts, they are all overdosing on prozac, with absurdly large smiles. In reality, they are stoic. Chubby faces in childhood develop into long faces ibn adulthood. There are lots of old people, which is apparently a problem.

Car doors shut themselves.

I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

2011-04-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

A journey plagued by KLM's smug, overarching, evil autmota meant I visited 5 countries (airports) in 24 hours. After arriving in Tokyo 12 hours late, tired, confused, with a well drafted letter of complaint and a racist opinion of the Dutch, I had a great time. Eaten some Katsu curry. Drunk some beers. Pressed the button on the arm of the heated toilet, the one with the outline of a bum and a geyser. I watched the Social Network and The Kings Speech on flight- both average. I find it hard to believe the king had a hard life. I find it hard to make a virtue of the creation facebook.

But all in all, it's great. I'm treading that line of invincible Brit abroad and cultural sympathiser- I just paid the exact money for a purchase (beer) and said 'origato' (thanks) afterwards. That was a threshold moment. Ignore the times I was saying 'Arry Potter' instead of arigato.

bye. So far, no dawn of the dead destrcution of society.

The human condition

2009-01-30T06:51:00.000-08:00

Choice is a profound thing. This curious sensation of not knowing the future, yet being propelled to invent it. In the night, many times, I have been to the toilet. Not so many times that it is a medical problem (polyuria, nocturia), but there have been many nights in my life (9,619), so many opportunities to go to the toilet. In my new flat, our bathroom has no windows. This means that there is a noisy extractor fan, activated in symphony with the lights. My electricity monitor has shown me that this uses its fair share of electricity, so I prefer not to use it. So I piss, into the dark, and sometimes the sound that rebounds at me is that sonic mixture of water on water and water on ceramic. Knowing that the best way to urinate is into nothing but the water, I must choose. Left or right? You would not believe the amount of times everything goes quiet, then the dampened sound of water on carpet, or water on magazine. Often followed by the sound of the lightswitch, the extractor fan, and a snigger. But it's worth it, for the feeling. When the returning noise is water on water, and I can leave, having saved using the lightswitch, feeling like a man.

That's the best thing I'm ever going to write, so there's probably not much point in continuing this blog. Oh well. If it does continue, you'll be the first to know. Bye.

Back seat driving

2009-01-02T21:07:00.000-08:00

Dunno what to make of this, from stop the war.

1) IF BRITAIN WAS GAZA… 16,000 DEAD In the last four days, Israel has killed close to 400 Palestinians in Gaza, which has a population of one and a half million. A proportionately similar death toll in Britain, with a population of 60 million, would be 16,000 dead in four days.

When I got woken by my neighbour's techno today, that was equivalent to him waking 25 people in china

Do they know it's christmas time at all? Oh, it's boxing day. Bob, do they know it's boxing day? What about Wimbledon, Bob? Do they watch it?

2008-12-26T05:15:00.000-08:00

It's Christmastime
There's no need to be afraid
At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime

But say a prayer

Pray for the other ones
At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging
chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
(Oooh) Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone
(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Feed the world
Feed the world

Feed the world

Let them know it's Christmastime again

Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmastime again

repeat then fade

With a little understanding, you can find the perfect blend

2008-10-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

Neighbours has recently reached dizzy dramatic heights, with the fire, Marco's death, Steph's kidnap, and the subsequent behaviour of the crazed stalking arsonist. The way they dealt with the challenging emotional issues and strains placed on the characters provided one brilliant half hour on Monday. I was constantly on the verge of tears and deep introspection- not of a sarcastic kind, but of the kind intended by the brilliant writers.

A few issues have been thrown up this week though. The arsonist threatened the sacred open door policy of Ramsey Street. Despite a policeman imploring Steph and Toadie to "Lock all the doors and windows", they couldn't do it. With a lunatic on the loose, they left the back door open, in case a neighbour needed access to the smoothies. They also let a toddler and small child hang around the kitchen, unattended, in the middle of the night. Thankfully, the arsonist just tried to cuddle one of them, then ran away.

Unperturbed, Toadie continued to leave the back door unlocked, so the man who fooled a state-wide man-hunt, again, just wandered into the kitchen. With the room to himself, he picked his weapon wisely. A blunt pair of old scissors. Who wants a kitchen knife, when you could jab someone with a five inch long blunt object. Somehow, these managed to penetrate Steph's lung from only a small backlift, while his arm was gripped by Toadie's angry hand.

Oh, and Zeke saw Didge's fannaroonie.

BLOW TO GOVERNMENT COAL POLICY AS CLIMATE CAMPAIGNERS ARE ACQUITTED

2008-09-11T02:49:00.000-07:00

10th September 2008

BLOW TO GOVERNMENT COAL POLICY AS CLIMATE CAMPAIGNERS ARE ACQUITTED

*Verdict marks a 'tipping point' for climate change movement***

Ministers suffered a blow to their energy plans today as six Greenpeace volunteers were acquitted of criminal damage by a Crown Court jury in a case that centred on the contribution made to climate change by burning coal.

The charges arose after the six attempted to shut down the Kingsnorth coal-fired power station in Kent last year by scaling the chimney and painting the Prime Minister's name down the side. The defendants pleaded 'not guilty' and relied in court on the defence of 'lawful excuse' – claiming they shut the power station in order to defend property of a greater value from the global impact of climate change.

Today's acquittal is a potent challenge to the Government's plans for new coal-fired power stations from jurors representing ordinary people in Britain who, after hearing the evidence, supported the right to take direct action in order to protect the climate.

Over five days of evidence Maidstone Crown Court heard testimony from the world's leading climate scientist, an Inuit leader from Greenland and David Cameron's environment adviser. The jury was told that Kingsnorth emits 20,000 tonnes of CO2 every day - the same amount as the 30 least polluting countries in the world combined – and that the Government has advanced
plans to build a new coal-fired power station next to the existing site on the Hoo Peninsula in Kent.

The 'not guilty' verdict means the jury believed that shutting down the coal plant was justified in the context of the damage to property caused around the world by CO2 emissions from Kingsnorth.

One of the Kingsnorth 6, Emily Hall, said after her acquittal:
"This is a huge blow for the Government's plans to build new coal-fired power stations. It's coal that should have been on trial, not us. After this verdict, the only people left in Britain who think new coal is a good idea are business secretary John Hutton and the energy minister Malcolm
Wicks.
It's time the Prime Minister stepped in, showed some leadership, and
embraced a clean energy future for Britain."

Another of the defendants, Ben Stewart, added:
"This verdict marks a tipping point for the climate change movement. If jurors from the heart of Middle England say it's legitimate for a direct action group to shut down a coal-fired power station because of the harm it does to our planet, then where does that leave government energy policy?
We have the clean technologies at hand to power our economy, it's time we
turned to them instead of coal."

The defence called as a witness Professor James Hansen, a NASA director who advises Al Gore and is known as the world's leading climate scientist. Hansen told the court that more than a million species would be made extinct because of climate change and calculated that Kingsnorth would proportionally be responsible for 400 of these. "We are in grave peril," he told the jury. He said he agreed with Al Gore's statement that more people should be chaining themselves to coal-powered stations. "Somebody needs to step forward and say there has to be a moratorium, draw a line in the sand and say no more coal-fired power stations."

Asked by Michael Wolkind QC, for the defence, if carbon dioxide damages property, Hansen replied, "Yes, it does." Asked if stopping emissions of any amount of it therefore protects property, he replied, "Yes it does, in proportion to the amount." He added that he thought there was an immediate need to protect property at risk from climate change.

Tory green adviser Zac Goldsmith also gave evidence for the defence. He told the court: "By building a coal-power plant in this country, it makes it very much harder in exerting pressure on countries like China and India. I think that's something that is felt in Government circles." He later told the jury: "Legalities aside, I suppose if a crime is intended to prevent much larger crimes, I think then a lot of people would consider that as justified and a good thing."

Some of the property the court was told was in immediate need of protection included parts of Kent at risk from rising sea levels, the Pacific island state of Tuvalu and areas of Greenland. The defendants also cited the Arctic ice sheet, China's Yellow River region, the Larsen B ice shelf in
Antarctica, coastal areas of Bangladesh and the city of New Orleans.

The acquittal is the first case where preventing property damage from climate change has been used as part of a 'lawful excuse' defence in court.
The defence has previously been successfully deployed by defendants accused of damaging a military jet bound for Indonesia to be used in the war against East Timor before independence.

The defendants had intended to paint 'GORDON BIN IT' down the side of the chimney but were served a High Court injunction by police helicopter, meaning they only got as far as painting the Prime Minister's first name.

Last month a new report by Poyry - Europe's leading energy consultants -concluded that Britain could meet its energy demands without new coal. If the UK hit its existing efficiency and renewables targets it would negate the case for a new coal-fired power station at Kingsnorth and at least seven other proposed sites. An earlier Poyry report, published in June, found at least 16 gigawatts of untapped potential from 'Combined Heat and Power' plants – super-efficient power stations that are popular in Scandinavia but little used in the UK.

ENDS

Greenpeace press office – 0207 865 8255

Video and stills of Greenpeace team scaling and painting Kingsnorth smokestack available on request Greenpeace 'case against coal' can be found at:

http://www.greenpeace.org.uk/media/reports/the-case-against-coal-fired-power-generation

Grrrr....

2008-08-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

So, what do you think?
This.

Put on your reeboks man, and go play fucking tennis

2008-08-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

So, there was a student on the ward. They asked who my favourite bands are. I mentioned Black Grape.
"Who?"
"You know, they were formed out of the Happy Mondays."
"Who?"
"You know Shaun Ryder?"
"No."
"Do you know that Gorillaz song, 'dare'. He sings on that."
"I don't know how it goes."
"I'm comin up, i'm comin up, i'm comin up, it's dare"
"No, don't know it."
"Did you watch celebrity brother when Bez won it?"
"Yes."

The other student then went on to say they liked Cast, to try and keep the conversation going. I gave up.

Can I get a witness?

Heads, shoulders, knees and turkey eyeballs

2008-08-14T12:23:00.000-07:00

Perhaps, behaviour like this explains the success of the third way in spite of all contrary evidence. If only soviets worked.

Just for the taste of it...

2008-08-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

what the fuck is the third way?

this, this, this, this, this?

Balls knows. Surely the whole myth of new labour bringing about any kind of meaningful social change has been torn to shreds by the facts? Pardon me for saying it, but so fucking what if sure start is useful for some people. The poor children will go to shitter schools, get shitter jobs, less money, and die younger than their rich brethren. Thanks the Third Way. By ignoring classes of people and focussing on individuals (means testing etc), lo!, classes of people have drifted in material terms. All the inequality of liberalism and bureacracy and propaganda of socialism.
Fuck off the third way. It deserves the Tories to come in and tear the country to shreds.

In order of most recent

2008-08-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

The Miller of Mansfield
The George
The Court House
The Royal Oak
The Litten Tree
The Bull and Vic
The Paper Moon
The Wat Tyler
The Malt Shovel
Zero Degrees
The Royal Sovereign
The White Hart
Gowlett Arms
Bar Storey

actually, this is far too complicated an undertaking to have ever contemplated... the long and short of it, is that i go to very few pubs these days, and miss them

maths

2008-08-07T16:58:00.000-07:00

Do you know what cellulite is? 94% said YES
Do you have cellulite? 97% said YES
Are you worried about cellulite? 81% said YES
Do you want to get rid of your cellulite for good? 98% said YES

Tell Iraq's Oil Minister: 'STOP ATTACKING TRADE UNIONISTS'

2008-06-12T06:37:00.000-07:00

WHEN: Tuesday June 17th
WHAT TIME: 9-11am

WHERE: outside the Brunei Gallery Lecture Theatre, SOAS, University of London, Thornhaugh Street Russell Square, LondonWC1

Iraqi Oil Minister Hussein al Shahristani will be speaking at the 'Middle East Weapons of Mass Destruction Free Zone 2008' conference at SOAS.

The Minister recently decreed that eight prominent trade union activists from the Iraqi Federation of Oil Unions (IFOU), plus four senior managers from the Southern oil Company in Basra be transferred from their workplaces in Basra to Baghdad and Nassiriyah.

These politically motivated transfers are the latest attack against trade unionists and other opponents of oil privatisation in Iraq.

The IFOU, which labelled the move 'a human rights crime', fears the transfers might have dangerous implications for the workers and their families, who face being uprooted from their communities and the prospect of moving to more violent areas where occupation forces and US-controlled militias are active.

Thanks to the struggle of the unions and people of Basra, and despite recent government attacks, the city has been relatively safe for trade unionists to be active.

The IFOU is on the frontline of opposition to oil privatisation.

Sharistani has repeatedly ordered the shutdown of union offices and facilities and de-recognition across the sector. Arrest warrants were issued against IFOU leaders last summer and Iraqi troops were sent into Basra's oil fields.

Other public sector unions such as the dock workers union in Um Qasr are also under attack, facing mass-lay-offs as part of the US and UK-backed privatisation drive in Iraq.

Trade unions are still illegal in Iraq - Saddam Hussein's Decree 150 of 1987 banning all unions in the public sector has been kept on the statue books by both occupation and Iraqi authorities for the past five years. Despite this, Iraqi unions have continued to organise and gained de-facto recognition due to their industrial and social strength.

Yet the attacks on Iraqi trade unionists are mounting - and they need our support.

Join us in echoing their demands in telling Sharistani to stop attacking trade unionists, recognise their demands, and stand up to the occupation's drive to impose long-term foreign control through the 'Oil Law' and mass privatisation.

Called for by Naftana, the UK Support Committee for the Iraqi Federation of Oil Unions and Supported by Stop the War Coalition and the Hands Off Iraqi Oil campaign.

See www.naftana.org and www.basraoilunion.org for info

More news fromt the front line. Or is it their home front, I don't know

2008-06-05T06:52:00.000-07:00

Leader of the Iraqi Federation of Oil Unions Hassan Jumaa Awad has sent the following message urging action against the decision of the Iraqi Oil Minister to transfer 8 union activists - a move which has been defined as 'a human rights crime'. This marks an escalation in repression against the Union which is a potent anti-occupation and anti privatisation force in Iraq This comes at a time when serious military, economic and political pressure is being exerted by occupying powers for the ratification of the Oil Law. More moves such as this can be expected and must therefore be resisted now.

US Labor Against War have written a model letter (see below) UK embassy details are below and a press release from Naftana, the UK
support committee for the union in the UK is to follow soon. Please fwd this email and contact your union branches and local anti war groups to pass urgent motions of solidarity.
Copies of emails sent to the embassy and of support for the union in the UK should be sent to
naftana@naftana.org

From Hassan Jumaa Awad:

The Iraqi Oil Minister, Hussein Al-Shahirstani, has ordered the transfer
of eight Oil Union activists. They used to work at the oil refineries in
the south. This act reflects the minister's anti-union policy, and lack
of respect for unions and union activists in the oil sector. Those
activists, through their hard work, are well known for fighting
corruption and corrupt-ministry gangs in the oil sector.

They have been transferred to Baghdad Al-Dorah neighborhood (known for
worsening security situation, and high level of sectarian killings). In
the context of Iraqi security situation, such a transfer is rightfully
regarded as human rights crime.

We call upon all people of good will in the world to take a stand to
denounce these despicable and criminal acts by the Iraqi Oil Ministry
against trade unions and their activists. The trade unions have been
reestablished and revitalized through the hard work of union activists
without any protection from the state, which keeps bragging about
democracy. [The Maliki government, taking its lead from the U.S.
Occupation Authority, continues to enforce the 1987 Saddam Hussein labor
code that prohibits unions and bargaining for workers in the oil sector
and all other public enterprises, which constitute 80% of all Iraqi
jobs.]

This act is a clear evidence that the Iraqi state seeks to liquidate
trade unions in this important Iraqi economic sector, oil. It is
important to note that the south is the main source of oil in Iraq. The
oil sector there employs more than 39,000 workers. The Iraqi state has
no intention of allowing an Oil Trade Union in that sector because it
represents a threat to its authority.

We call upon you from all parts of the world to stand with us, for the
sake of labor and workers interests.

Respectfully,

Hassan Juma Awad, President
Iraq Federation of Oil Unions

Draft letter by US Labor Against War:

UK Embassy

E-mail: lonemb@iraqmofamail.net
Telephone: +44 207 602 8456
Fax: +44 207 371 1652

FAO IRAQI AMBASSADOR TO THE UK

Mr. Ambassador:

We have been informed that Iraqi Oil Minister Hussein Al-Shahirstani has
ordered the transfer of eight leaders and activists of the Iraq
Federation of Oil Unions from their long-standing assignments at the
South Oil Company in Basra to work in the Al-Dorah neighborhood of
Baghdad, known for its worsening security situation and high level of
sectarian killings. In doing so, the Minister knowingly exposes these
trade unionists to a heightened risk of injury or even death. As such,
this decision constitutes a grave violation of these workers' human
rights, as well as an assault on their labor rights and the rights of
all those workers who they represent in their capacity as IFOU leaders.

This action escalates the Iraqi government's continuing, repeated and
blatant violations of internationally recognized labor rights as
enshrined in the Conventions of the International Labour Organization of
the United Nations, including those to which Iraq is a signatory. Iraq
continues to enforce the dictatorship era labor codes that ban unions
and collective bargaining for public sector and public enterprise
employees in clear violation of ILO conventions. Iraq has failed to
adopt a basic labor law (as called for by its own Constitution) to
protect the rights of all workers to free association, to form unions of
their own choosing, to negotiate the terms and conditions of their
labor, and to strike when necessary in defense of their interests.

We soundly and most strongly condemn these gross violations of labor and
human rights. No democracy can ever be established in Iraq unless and
until its workers enjoy the full range of core labor rights recognized
by the ILO. No democracy can ever be sustained in Iraq without its
workers and their unions being free of government intervention in their
internal affairs.

Iraq must completely erase all vestiges of its authoritarian and
repressive past if it is to earn the respect of the world community. We
demand that your government immediately rescind the transfer order for
these workers, cease harassing unions and union activists, and that it
recognize and respect the rights of all Iraqi workers to form unions of
their own choosing, to negotiate the terms and conditions of their
employment, and to act collectively in defense of their own interests.

We intend to monitor this situation closely to learn what actions you
have taken to remedy these gross violations of labor and human rights.

Yours truly,

Mayday Messages from Iraqi Unions

2008-04-30T03:17:00.001-07:00

U.S. Labor Against the War is pleased to be able to share with you two important communications from the working people of Iraq to the workers and people of the world. The first is a statement of solidarity from the General Union of Port Workers in Iraq to the members of the International Longshore and Warehouse Union (ILWU) in support of the decision by ILWU members to shut down all the ports on the West Coast as a demonstration of their opposition to the war and occupation of Iraq.

The second message is a May Day greeting from a broad cross-section of union leaders from many different unions and labor federations in Iraq as an expression of their appreciation for the solidarity demonstrated by organized labor, working people and all peace-loving people of the world in support of their efforts to end the foreign occupation of Iraq and the sectarian violence that occupation has spawned.

[This statement continues to be circulated in Iraq and as additional signers become known, their names will be added to the copy posted on the USLAW website.]

May Day Message
from the General Union of Dock Workers in Iraq
to the International Longshore and Warehouse Union in the United States

Dear Brothers and Sisters of ILWU in California

The courageous decision you made to carry out a strike on May Day to protest against the war and occupation of Iraq advances our struggle against occupation to bring a better future for us and for the rest of the world as well.

We are certain that a better world will only be created by the workers and what you are doing is an example and proof of what we say. The labor movement is the only element in the society that is able to change the political equations for the benefit of mankind. We in Iraq are looking up to you and support you until the victory over the US administration's barbarism is achieved.

Over the past five years the sectarian gangs who are the product of the occupation, have been trying to transfer their conflicts into our ranks. Targeting workers, including their residential and shopping areas, indiscriminately using all sorts of explosive devices, mortar shells, and random shooting, were part of a bigger scheme that was aiming to tear up the society but they miserably failed to achieve their hellish goal. We are struggling today to defeat both the occupation and sectarian militias' agenda.

The pro-occupation government has been attempting to intervene into the workers affairs by imposing a single government-certified labor union. Furthermore it has been promoting privatization and an oil and gas law to use the occupation against the interests of the workers.

We the port workers view that our interests are inseparable from the interests of workers in Iraq and the world; therefore we are determined to continue our struggle to improve the living conditions of the workers and overpower all plots of the occupation, its economic and political projects.

Let us hold hands for the victory of our struggle.

Long live the port workers in California!

Long live May Day!

Long live International solidarity!

The General Union of Port Workers in Iraq
An Affiliate Union with General Federation of Workers Councils and Unions in Iraq (GFWCUI)

28-4-2008

May Day 2008 Statement from the Iraqi Labour Movement
To the Workers and All Peace Loving People of the World

On this day of international labour solidarity we call on our fellow trade unionists and all those worldwide who have stood against war and occupation to increase support for our struggle for freedom from occupation - both the military and economic.

We call upon the governments, corporations and institutions behind the ongoing occupation of Iraq to respond to our demands for real democracy, true sovereignty and self-determination free of all foreign interference.

Five years of invasion, war and occupation have brought nothing but death, destruction, misery and suffering to our people. In the name of our “liberation,” the invaders have destroyed our nation’s infrastructure, bombed our neighbourhoods, broken into our homes, traumatized our children, assaulted and arrested many of our family members and neighbours, permitted the looting of our national treasures, and turned nearly twenty percent of our people into refugees.

The invaders helped to foment and then exploit sectarian divisions and terror attacks where there had been none. Our union offices have been raided. Union property has been seized and destroyed. Our bank accounts have been frozen. Our leaders have been beaten, arrested, abducted and assassinated. Our rights as workers have been routinely violated.

The Ba’athist legislation of 1987, which banned trade unions in the public sector and public enterprises (80% of all workers), is still in effect, enforced by Paul Bremer’s post-invasion Occupation Authority and then by all subsequent Iraqi administrations. This is an attack on our rights and basic precepts of a democratic society, and is a grim reminder of the shadow of dictatorship still stalking our country.

Despite the horrific conditions in our country, we continue to organise and protest against the occupation, against workplaces abuses, and for better treatment and safer conditions.

Despite the sectarian plots around us, we believe in unity and solidarity and a common aim of public service, equality, and freedom to organise without external intrusions and coercion.

Our legitimacy comes from our members. Our principles of organisation are based on transparent and internationally recognised International Labour Organisation standards.

We call upon our allies and all the world’s peace-loving peoples to help us to end the nightmare of occupation and restore our sovereignty and national independence so that we can chart our own course to the future.
1) We demand an immediate withdrawal of all foreigntroops from our country, and utterly reject the agreement beingnegotiated with the USA for long-term bases and a military presence. Thecontinued occupation fuels the violence in Iraq rather than alleviatingit. Iraq must be returned to full sovereignty.

2) We demand the passage of a labour law promised by our Constitution, which adheres to ILO principles and on which Iraqi trade unionists have been fully consulted, to protect the rights of workers to organize, bargain and strike, independent of state control and interference.

3) We demand an end to meddling in our sovereign economic affairs by the International Monetary Fund, USA and UK. We demand withdrawal of all economic conditionalities attached to the IMF's agreements with Iraq, removal of US and UK economic "advisers" from the corridors of Iraqi government, and a recognition by those bodies that no major economic decisions concerning our services and resources can be made while foreign troops occupy the country.

4) We demand that the US government and others immediately cease lobbying for the oil law, which would fracture the country and hand control over our oil to multinational companies like Exxon, BP and Shell. We demand that all oil companies be prevented from entering into any long-term agreement concerning oil while Iraq remains occupied. We demand that the Iraqi government tear up the current draft of the oil law, and begin to develop a legitimate oil policy based on full and genuine consultation with the Iraqi people. Only after all occupation forces are gone should a long term plan for the development of our oil resources be adopted.

We seek your support and solidarity to help us end the military and economic occupation of our country. We ask for your solidarity for our right to organise and strike in defence of our interests as workers and of our public services and resources. Our public services are the legacy of generations before us and the inheritance of all future generations and must not be privatised.

We thank you for standing by us. We too stand with you in your own struggles for real democracy which we know you also struggle for, and against privatisation, exploitation and daily disempowerment in your workplaces and lives.

We commend those of you who have organised strikes and demonstrations to end the occupation in solidarity with us and we hope these actions will continue.

We look forward to the day when we have a world based on co-operation and solidarity. We look forward to a world free from war, sectarianism, competition and exploitation.

Endorsed by:

Hassan Juma’a Awad, President, Iraqi Federation of Oil Unions (IFOU) 

Faleh Abood Umara, General Secretary, Iraqi Federation of Oil Unions (IFOU) 

Falah Alwan, President, Federation of Workers Councils and Unions in Iraq (FWCUI) 

Subhi Albadri, President, General Federation of Workers Councils and Unions in Iraq (GFWCUI) 

Nathim Rathi, President, Iraqi Port Workers Trade Union 

Samir Almuawi, President, Engineering Professionals Trade Union 

Ghzi Mushatat, President, Mechanic and Print Shop Trade Union 

Waleed Alamiri, President, Electricity Trade Union 

Ilham Talabani, President, Banking Services Trade Union 

Abdullah Ubaid, President, Railway Trade Union 

Ammar Ali, President, Transportation Trade Union 

Abdalzahra Abdilhassan, President, Service Employees Trade Union 

Sundus Sabeeh, President, Barber Shop Workers Trade Union 

Kareem Lefta Sindan, President, Lumber and Construction Trade Union, General Federation of Iraqi Workers (GFIW) 

Sabah Almusawi, President, Wasit Independent Trade Union 

Shakir Hameed, President, Lumber And Construction Trade Union (GFWCUI) 

Awad Ahmed, President, Teachers Federation of Salahideen 

Alaa Ghazi Mushatat, President, Agricultural And Food Substance Industries 

Adnan Rathi Shakir, President, Water Resources Trade Union 

Nahrawan Yas, President, Woman Affairs Bureau 

Sabah Alyasiri, President (GFWCUI) Babil 

Ali Tahi, President (GFWCUI) Najaf 

Ali Abbas, President (GFWCUI) Basra 

Muhi Abdalhussien, President (GFWCUI), Wasit 

Ali Hashim Abdilhussien, President (GFWCUI) Kerbala 

Ali Hussien, President (GFWCUI) Anbar 

Mustafa Ameen, Arab Workers Bureau, President (GFWCUI) 

Thameer Mzeail, Health Services, Union Committee 

Khadija Saeed Abdullah, Teachers Federation, Member 

Asmahan, Khudair, Woman Affairs, Textile Trade Unions 

Adil Aljabiri, Oil Workers Trade Union Executive Bureau Member 

Muhi Abdalhussien, Nadia Flaih, Service Employees Trade Unions 

Rawneq Mohammed, Member, Media and Print Shop Trade Union 

Abdlakareem Abdalsada, Vice President (GFWCUI) 

Saeed Nima, Vice President (GFWCUI) 

Sabri Abdalkareem, Member, (GFWCUI) Babil 

Amjad Aljawhary, Representative of GFWCUI in North America

Hot Hands Harmison

2008-04-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

Well, since I was doing so little on the tour, Peter Moores suggested I respond to the British Olympic Committee request for a top cricketer to carry the Olympic torch. Freddy Flintoff refused to do it because the torch was a piece of Nazi propaganda constructed to suggest a historical continuity between Ancient Greece and Aryan Germany. Freddy said he believed such allusion between empires is still symbolically emodied in a torch that lights the start of a competition of sports encoded by the West. He said that until Yorkshire is recognised and ferret games are included, it is not an inclusive sporting contest- merely an invitation to the rest of the world to lose to the capitalist nations on their terms, something they do economically every day.

I think it's great though, all bright and orange, and wrote back to the committee to suggest myself for the ceremony. They agreed, saying my 'Ashes' performance would make great headlines. The plan, originally, was that I would bowl a cricket ball of fire into the Olympic cauldron to spark a flame, which would shoot into a pyrotechnic display of a burning Tibetan monk. It was a great idea, Jamie Oliver said he'd make a tomato, cumin and basil soup for the crowds over the fire. But he pulled out last week because of monosodiumglutamate in school dinners in Taiwan. I carried on regardless, and we practised the ceremony in secret in the Millenium Dome. Me, Kelly Holmes, Seb Coe and fifteen others suffered serious burns. Seb got caught in the back of the head trying to dodge a bouncer, then abandoned the idea of being a toga-clad batsman. I hit a cleaner with my slower ball, and Kelly Holmes got hurt after refusing to wear the asbestos gloves as wicket keeper. After two days of practice, we reached the conclusion that a 25metre square target for me would minimise the risk of casualties, but this just gave me confidence problems, and I stopped throwing the ball completely. So I was holding one of them for two hours, and burned my bowling hand. And that's the story of how Kelly Holmes got picked ahead of me for the last part of the Olympic torch ceremony in London.

Metropolitan Police Quiz

2008-03-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

The Met has devised a quiz you may hear on your radio. The answer to each question is the same, but is it:
a) Skin colour
b) It doesn't matter, because we can act with impunity

There's a reason some people are called septic tanks

2008-01-28T05:53:00.000-08:00

"It's like 80% of people are 'eurgh', 10% are like, 'yeah, okay', 8% understand, and 2% are:...", he bangs his fists together. Now, I've never typed verbatim what someone is saying, but this person is great. Read on...

"I overcame my ego. I on purpose do weird stuff. Like yesterday I was partying with people. There was me, a Polish girl, i just met her yesterday for the first time. We went to her party, at 1 o clock, I had a guitar and was singing. I think I sing really well. I sing rock stuff on an acoustic. I've been singing for like 8 years. And we were having fun. And I randomly went to the polish girl's room, when she was asleep, and sat on her bed and started singing. How random is that, to get woken by a guy sitting on the bed and playing the guitar. And a spanish girl i was with started giving her a massage. She was like, this is so random. So I lay down on her bed, and said i was tired and was going to sleep there. And after fifteen minutes of being random and joking around, we left her to sleep, because she didn't really want us there."

"The thing with me is that I completely expose myself. Even if I shock people, there is nothing I can surprise them with, because I'm jealous of myself. Most people get a bad first impression of me, but they trust me. Some people try hard to make a good impression, but then surprise you, and you can't trust them."

"I really like people who challenge me. I love intelligent people who are intellectual. I like to talk to people about what they believe."

He has been talking like this for the last fifteen minutes. I can't work, because there are no other tables where I can have tea and use my laptop. He has a loud american accent.

"LSE is like the Harvard of Europe. The contacts are amazing, and the networks. I go there like 3 times a week."
"You go to the LSE?"
"No, I'm at Kings. I go there 3 times a week to go to lectures and talk with the professors and shit"

The intergalactic supernetway

2008-01-19T04:37:00.000-08:00

Inspired by my only friend still with a blog. (Though my dad and brother have blogs now. And they're friends too. It's just ed's blog is part of the old skool)

I've commented on BBC606. This is a first. See if you can guess which comment is mine. Here's a hint. It's the one about arms dealing and oil wars. Again, I appear to be the only Liverpool fan who will be devastated if DIC buy us out.

Four out of five ain't bad

2007-12-03T11:28:00.000-08:00

2) DECLARATION OF WORLD AGAINST WAR CONFERENCE

In particular, we demand:

* An immediate end to the illegal military occupation of Iraq,
which has caused hundreds of thousands of deaths and displaced
millions of people, a withdrawal of all foreign troops and the
full transfer of sovereignty to the Iraqi people and their
representatives.
* A halt to all preparations for an attack against Iran, and a
commitment to solve any issues through exclusively diplomatic
means.
* A withdrawal of foreign troops from Afghanistan, allowing
the Afghan people to determine their own future.
* Justice for the Palestinian people, and an end to Israeli
aggression throughout the Middle East.
* An end to plans for US missile defence, and that all states
actively pursue nuclear deterrence.

Between home and awake

2007-09-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

So I was challenged to describe the state between being awake and asleep. The state where there are no words. Just movements and muses. Songs from the past, replayed from the mouths of faces in that day. In the womb of my own duck-feather-filled duvet. Where the country is as small as my breaths. It does not make much sense, this time of the night.

The bus rides by our window, but that does not interrupt the sense of falling and bouncing on pencils that scratch the ground as they move and flick forwards. Or picturing sneezes so powerful that they blow you backwards thirty yards until you're standing outside the hotel smiling at the staff who were waiting for you to check in.

It is a private time. Of no sense. But to share it with someone, is bliss.

That's all I've got to say about that. I'm off to bed. Night night.

I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. I like to... move it.

2007-09-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

So, I said, "I'm not very proud of my blog at the moment. It's not been any good for months now."
My girlfriend, said "Oh, that's a shame. I'd never have anything to write about in a blog"
I said, "Neither do I, that doesn't stop me."
She said, "I'll give you some topics to write about. Errmmm...."
There was a five minute pause.
She said, "How about that state between being awake and asleep. And about things tied onto bits of string"

That's something you can all look forward to.

Let me put you in the picture, let me show you what I mean

2007-09-10T02:31:00.000-07:00

It's been all mad on the Clapton front. Loads of gossip. Turns out a friend of mine, is actually a cunt. Which was a turn-up for the books. And new people have moved in to my gaff, who are not cunts. Anyway, this blog is neither the time nor the place to tell facts about myself. After all, I'm Steve Harmison. And Grievous Bodily Harmison lets his bowling do the talking.

I am blogging for two reasons.
Reason one
Brilliant. Like the chippy near college.

And secondly, I realised that I am bizarrely drawn to all the cards in my wallet, as if they are some kind of symbol of my identity. Not because they have my name on and act as a proof of my identity. But because they are mine. All mine. I have collected these, like Garbage Pail Kids, they represent things I have done and places I have been to. And a nectar card. They are:
Natwest Servicecard 100 - Maestro UK
HSBC Debit Card - Solo
Royal College of Nursing - Membership card
Intelligent Finance - Mastercard
Video Exchange - 66 Stamford Hill
Blockbuster Entertainment - 130 Kingsland High St
Royal College of Nursing - Library card
Nectar Card
Hackney Library card
Unison membership card
Liverpool FC fan card
Oyster Card
Kings College London/NUS card

Oh. I'm less proud of these now I typed them out. Once upon a time, I was proud of my cards. There were lots of old cards, NUS cards, library cards, novelty cards. Then I lost my wallet. So much for them being mine, all mine. Just goes to show that everything's transient.

Anyone else proud of the cards in their wallet? What cards have you got?

Better than Banksy

2007-08-27T01:48:00.001-07:00

My new hero

Come on Timmy

2007-08-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

All we need to do now is sterilise him

Camp it up

2007-08-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

This week has been an undoubted success for the protest movement

Weird

2007-08-06T01:16:00.000-07:00

Buy it now

It ain't over til it's over

2007-07-11T13:45:00.001-07:00

Facebook. I succumbed to it's flirting. I'm currently dipping my toes into the grand pool that is facebook. And it makes me miss blogger. I liked to write. To post something up, and see what happens. On facebook, someone metaphorically jabs you in the tits (actually, they wittily call it 'nobbing'. Do you want to nob Billy? it says), and says 'alright'. You then reciprocate this sentiment, ad infinitum. It allows us to natter with our mates, in spite of time and space, which is truly wonderous.

But it's not blogger. There's less pontificating and wistfulness. Everything's written in the second person. There's less to hide on facebook. Facebook is a self-proclaimed 'social utility'. But what about alcohol? That's my social utility. What was the matter with that? I've posted one comment on someone's wall, while drunk, and it looks stupid now. How do the socially anxious get into facebook? With difficulty and sobriety, I assume. Oh well.

I still love you, blogger.

Can you hurry up please, I left my gas on in my car! Boom Boom

2007-07-01T02:52:00.001-07:00

Hello sailors,
Here's my recent, and perhaps wrong, thougts:
It's lucky I live in London. Because in other parts of the country it's flooding. Not only is London warm and dry, but it is populated by politicians and money. Therefore, it is in unlikely we will flood- like the poor in Yorkshire. Or, indeed, those in New Orleans.

Smoking on trains was great. No one will ever smoke on trains again. Something about the yellow walls was timeless. Everything else is painted and re-painted and designed for modern, aseptic living. But the yellow on the walls, that was people's exhaled stresses and histories painted onto the wall. A bit like carcinogenic graffiti.

If the police is trying to track down the perpetrators of the bomb attack, and looking at people's previous, they could look closely at the CIA- when it comes to intefering in other country's politics by provoking or assasinating, they're quite good. They stand to gain from encouraging a new PM, who's meant to lean towards anti-war, to prove he's tough by endorsing the war on terror. I've since revised this thought, since the outcome could easily go the other way. And the remarkable set of coincidences that led to the bomb discoveries etc., seems like they were intended to explode. Unless them cars were never going to be detonated. Anyway, the sooner we stop fighting wars that provoke this sort of thing, the better. The best way of avoiding violent attacks, is not carrying any out. It's scary, really.

Um... Not much else. Oh. The last episodes of Doctor Who were amazing. Properly epic, and every bit as good as any films to appear recently. People who disparage the format of television should watch it.

This tv is more dubious- it's on youtube, but it's not loading well.

Bye

Pig Brother

2007-05-29T05:45:00.000-07:00

Well, it wouldn't be reality tv if it wasn't under constant police surveillance. And involve being kept in your house without having committed an offense.

I voted for her

2007-05-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

To my shame, I voted for the lady who is now the pictoral representation of me, Steve Harmison, in the hyperworld.

This is my new picture, for a short time, cos I find it funny.

Ticket Confirmation

2007-05-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

Thank you for purchasing tickets on Ticketmaster.
Your order number for this purchase is ************

Tickets will be despatched as soon as possible, but may not be received until 7-10 days before the event. Please do not contact us unless you have not received your tickets within 7 days of the event.

You purchased 6 tickets to:
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Prince
The O2, London, UK
Fri 3 Aug 2007, 18:00

Seat location: section **************************
Total Charge: £210.76

Poogle

2007-04-10T04:48:00.000-07:00

They want me to sell-out

But I know you're all too skanky to click on adverts on the internet. Consider my blog a skanktuary from the adverts.

Those who know nothing of foreign languages, know nothing of their own

2007-04-10T04:31:00.000-07:00

ok then
The caribbean website is not written in patois
This is not Mundo
Sinhala is like wingdings. And the first letter on the list page looks like a bottom
Brazil is spelt wrong

I could go on with this kind of petty racism. The central asian alphabet looks like the outcome jumbled and misprinted scrabble pieces. And the Middle Eastern scripts resemble my dad's illegible, rushed, joined-up writing.

Can anyone suggest a good website to go on, for fear I actually do something useful?

Beeby C in the house

2007-04-10T04:20:00.000-07:00

There was a time when the internet held everything I could ever dream of.

Now, I just look at friends' blogs all day, repeatedly pressing the refresh button, in the hope of something happening. I can't admit this though. It'd probably freak them out. Or I press refresh on the bbc website, or look at youtube's most watched videos. All of them, leave me feeling slightly let down. Much like when I go through every freeview channel, and discover that there is nothing on, but that there is also nothing else that I want to do. So I watch music videos. Or put on a Columbo DVD. Similarly, it's the same sensation of walking into a record shop, and realising that I can't think of anything that I want. So I walk around, finger the 'Sale' section, and walk out again.

2B or not 2B?

2007-04-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

Inspired by a fit of listless boredom- the best boredom -and a Paul O Grady ad break, here is my channel 4 advert responses, edited:

Ears
1999
Bollocks
Have something I wrote published/staged/filmed
Politics, all of it
McGrillis
Ian Rush or Rosa Parks
I don't know
With music or tv, drink, and company
Poverty
My teeth
Hungry like the wolf
Jobbies
4
Curry
Shaving plastic with a blade, all day.
Musician
You win some, you lose some
Tolerance

today i have mostly been...

2007-04-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

watching things like this, this, and this.

If you whistle it, I can play it

2007-04-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

So, a friend has e-mailed me to request a blog topic. This friend was inspired to contact me after visiting Hiroshima, and asked:
"what would you do if you won 100 million
- what would you spend money on
- what would you change in your life?

i dont think i would want to win anything like that at the minute, loving
life over here!"

Cheers.

This is a topic close to my heart. Recently, I dreamt of winning £30,000. My girlfriend and I have since become devoted to looking for a scratchcard where this is the jackpot. We've also been playing lotteries and the like recently.

I'd probably get a peerage, then fire the rest out of a cannon over Africa.

Any more blog requests? I've got very little to say that isn't related to hospitals or Liverpool Football Club.

Blog, blog, bloggy. Got a feeling, sweet like bloggy

2007-03-19T14:51:00.000-07:00

There's a new hsbc advert, where they mention argentina. And penguins. Adverts don't choke on their lies

Most over-used phase of the day

2007-03-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

The death of Baudrillard is not happening.

Can anyone see the photo of me?

2007-03-08T01:28:00.000-08:00

The one in the top corner, of a monkey in glasses. It used to be there. Wheelio said it looked like Gandhi. You know it. Where is it?

If not, I might find a new picture. Again, suggestions in the comment section please- and it's not going to be a photo of me, so don't bother suggesting them.

We R Watchin U

2007-03-07T01:16:00.000-08:00

Reid is going on the final list

Encyclopedia Harmicuss

2007-03-04T02:06:00.000-08:00

At elwheelio's request, I hate:

A- Alex Ferguson, Andrew Castle, Alexis Petridis, Ariel Sharon, Alex Zane
B- Brian May, Bill Archer, Blaney, Ben Elton
C- Chris Evans,
D- Dermot O' Leary, David Belotti, Daily Mail
E- Enya, Elmo
F-
G- Gary Neville, George Bush Snr, George W Bush, Gordon Brown, Guy Wheeler
H-
I- Ian Paisley
J- Jeffrey Stirling, Johnny Borrell, Justin Lee Collins, Julie Burchill, James Blunt
K- Ku Klux Klan, Klingons,
L- Lindsey German
M- Madonna, Maggie
N- Nick Griffin, Noel Edmonds
O-
P- Peaches Geldof
Q- Q
R- Rupert Murdoch, Robert Kilroy Silk, Rob Newman
S- Sami Chakrabati, Steve Jones
T- Tony Blair
U-
V-
W-
X-
Y-
Z-Zoe Williams

The internet's playing up, so I'll leave the list there... for now. Gosh, it's taken a while to compile, and I'm meant to be working. I've got a lot of hate to give. I think most of the list is self-explanatory. I was going to include Princess Diana, but I don't hate her, just her fake-immortality. Erm. And I was going to include all the fuckwitted people who supported the Iraq War and still professed to some version of socialism- Aaranovitch, Hitchens et al. But realised if I were to include them for that reason, my list would have to grow exponentially to include a host of others. People can use the words 'Saddam' and 'gas'over and over again, but this is what the war was about.

And Q, is a smug four dimensional being fromthe Q continuum in Star Trek.

And Lindsey German does my head in. I know, no solidarity here.

i'm cooking

2007-03-02T05:30:00.000-08:00

I'm a versatile chef. Today's lunch:
Appertiser:
Toasted Heel of bread, topped with sliced onion, cheddar cheese and tomato chutney.
Starter:
Toasted Bread, topped with sliced onion, cheddar cheese, sun-dried tomato and plum chutney.
Main Course:
Toasted Heel of bread, topped with sliced onion, cheddar cheese, sun-dried tomato, and jonkanoo sauce.
Pudding:
Toasted bread, topped with cheddar cheese and sliced green olives.

Suitable for vegetarians. Masterchef here we come.

"This competition just gets tougher"- Food journalist and ingredients expert Greg Wallace

Any ideas?

2007-03-02T04:44:00.000-08:00

I can't think of anything to blog about. Well bored. There's absolutely nothing going on, thanks to revision. Even the news looks shit. News stories include the leader of the Tories being a Tory, Princess Diana has died in a car crash, Craig Bellamy's a bit mad. I hoped this story about a WWF wrestler would be better, but I was wrong.

I guess there's news about nurses getting paid fuck all. Now, if I understand economics- which I don't -nurses are effectively getting a pay-cut because house/retail prices are going up. Now, I wasn't aware that nurses were responsible for buying fancy houses and living fantastic lives of conumption. That's why the government introduced key worker housing, because these things are beyond their reach. Surely taxing those that pay stupendous amounts for houses/gym memberships/plasma televisions/cocaine, the super-earners like Sven, would reduce their power to push house-prices beyond everybody else. It might even subsidise the pay that public sector workers deserve. Big Gordon Brown seems to be pissing on the ashes of the hospitals that are being shut down, and trying to drive an even fatter wedge between his beloved corporate bum-chums and the worker's shoulders on which his party stands. I might even take a break from revision to do some of this.

Anyone want to suggest a topic for my next blog entry? This could be like, interactive. Yeah. You can leave an anonymous post, if you don't want me to hunt you down and spit on your daughters. No, I'm not sure what I meant by that either.

Steve 'Barmy' Harmison's Top Ten Albums

2007-03-01T13:35:00.001-08:00

Because El Wheelio has made a ten, I want to make a better ten. I'm like that. That's how I became a Test Cricketer

Black Grape - It's Great When You're Straight.... Yeah
Talking Heads - Stop Making Sense
Radiohead - The Bends
The Clash - London Calling
Marvin Gaye - By Jove, What's Going On?
Curtis Mayfield - Curtis Live
Stevie Wonder - Innervisions
Arcade Fire - The one I've got
Flaming Lips - Soft Bulletin
Oasis- Definitely Maybe
Extras:
Alabama 3 - Exile on Coldharbour Lane
2 Many Djs - Does it have an album title?
Stone Roses - Stone Roses
Pink Floyd - Wish you were Here

There we go. It's not authoritative. And now I fear I've forgotten someone. Like this time tomorrow, the words "We get it almost every night, while the moon is big and bright" will seep into my cerebral cortex and I'll stand up in the lecture and shout. "Oh shit. I forgot Toploader."

Bye

Where's 'Arry?

2007-02-23T06:16:00.000-08:00

Poor Prince Harry. He should have as much right to rape Iraqi prisoners and get killed in American friendly fire as anyone else.

Bigger than Jesus

2007-02-22T00:42:00.000-08:00

Apparently Johnny Borrel is 6 foot 8, which makes him considerably larger than Jesus, who didn't inherit his dad's omnitallness. Anyway, sometimes a band, or a celeb, begins to annoy in a way that is not healthy for someone I have never met, never care to meet, and really don't like. Razorlight are shit. Unhealthily shit. Their songs sound like they've been made in a factory. Fucking, god damn awful. And they stick in the head, because they've been designed to be conducive to maximum airtime on Virgin Radio, XfM, Radio 1, Heart 106.4, every fucking station can accept their blandness. Their songs then stick in the head all day, because they're always on when in the shower or when the radio turns on in the morning. "All my life, Trying to make it big in America.". The worst example, is the one today, which is driving me insane: "If it's a million to one shot, I'll make sure I'm the one" Without doubt, that is the worst lyric any human has contrived.

I quite liked that 'In the morning' song, then discovered that the reason was because it was a Talking Heads soundalike.

(blogger's trying to make me do something. if this blog stops forever now, it's because i couldn't understand it.)

We've got tiny cocks

2007-02-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

This is good use of the technology available.

More fucking poems

2007-02-09T06:36:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I use rude words. So what?! Yeah, you big jobby. Stick it up your bum. Here's a motherfucking poem:

Like a baby's new eyes
Snow falls and reminds
That we are together
And nature survives.

Word to your mother.

Hey, look out the window.

2007-02-08T03:36:00.000-08:00

What do you see?...... Can you tell what it is yet? It's white. It's fluffy. We remember it from childhood. It's the one. The only. The Licky Boom Boom Down. IT'S SNOW.

GOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

2007-02-01T13:31:00.000-08:00

Yeah, capital is capital. But then there's Dubai International Capital. They own part of The Carlyle Group who profit directly from arms companies dropping bombs, and the neo-liberal cess pits that spring up in the craters. DIC also own part of P&O. But you know who they don't own... Liverpool Football Club. That's right. Fuck off. I'd rather be owned by Glazer than DIC. There's times when Parry's cold feet are a blessing. Imagine knowing that a trophy win is benefitting people who sponsor arms dealers, who employ warmongers, who make money from dirty oil investments, global conflict, and selling people's own land, health and farms back to them. I know Crouch and Kuyt is a an aerial assault, but...

Thankyou Rick Parry. You get a lot of stick, but at least you can hold your head up high.

Notes on Jadeism

2007-01-20T02:45:00.000-08:00

Oh my lordy, wasn’t that Big Brother stuff mental? Having been working hard this week, I have had no chance to pass on my thoughts on the issue until today. Which is a blessing, cos it means I’ve seen the whole event pass.

In my mind, reality tv is a lot like sport- football –where real people are performing a spectacle in such a public arena, that we attach a massive significance beyond the sign or signified or simulacra or whatever. That is my interpretation of the mentalness behind the events. So back to the story…

Jackiey, Jack and Jade enter a house. Shilpa, Jermaine and Ken are adopted into their family. A host of other people become their slaves. Everyone in the situation is being paid, and it is all for the benefit of television. The producers of the show (the owners of the means of production) are exploiting everyone in the house. The contestants have signed contracts that make this exploitation official and consensual. For the contestants, this is work- yet work without the protection of employment law, probably for tax purposes.

Jackiey and Shilpa don’t get on. Jackiey is evicted. On the eviction show, Jackiey is cheered by the crowd, but evicted. Shilpa is booed by the crowd. Davina casts a quizzical look at the crowd; there is no need for this booing and no apparent cause. Over the next week and a half, Shilpa is picked on, ruthlessly. By Jade, Danielle, and Jo. It doesn’t take a brain to realise that this spiteful aggression towards Shilpa displays a few features: Jade is adored by the other two girls; Danielle is the most spiteful; Jade is bitter about her mum’s eviction; Jade is angry. These arguments are manifestly ‘cultural’ or ‘racist’.

Now then, there are a few points to mention here- racism, and anti-racism are social phenomena. As much as we would like the law to do all the work in stopping racism, it doesn’t work like that. Fighting racism is something that takes place through national discourse- thanks to the Daily Mirror, at times –or on the streets- like Cable Street. It also doesn’t take place through Channel 4 executives intervening in a show. In this way, Channel 4 not intervening was a good thing. Had they nipped everything in the bud, as the papers were demanding before the abuse became overtly racist, what would have happened? It would have been reasonable for people to defend the racists under the banner of political correctness gone mad. A vocal minority of liberals spoiling it for everyone. When the pressure reaches a mass where sponsors start to pull out (probably down to the depreciation of TV sponsorship in the light of new media), 80% voting against the former favourite to win, international protests, tens of thousands of complaints, The Sun agreeing that the behaviour is racist. This makes a better point than pulling the programme or reprimanding housemates. Racism is not an argument, it’s a force, and it must be opposed.

Now then, I was hoping to see this opposition force manifest on eviction night. I really was. At 6.30 Friday morning, on the bus to work, I was visualising Jade leaving the building to heroic booing. A booing that would send a shiver down the spine of the two remaining racists. A booing that may even descend into chanting. ‘Scum, Scum, Scum’, something like that. A justified end to the loser of the referendum on cultural racism. The karmic, medieval ending that Big Brother’s audience dispense to its playthings. And I’m not proud of thinking like that. It would not be a force for good. It would be the destruction of Jade, Big Brother’s little sister, who is a person, not the symbol of racism.

This brings me to my main point. To what degree was Jade racist? To the degree that someone clueless can be. There is a habit of mind which is so widespread when thinking about racism. On leaving the house, Jade remarked that she wasn’t racist because she doesn’t care about skin colour. In the same vain, neither did Hitler. He killed Jewish people. I would call Hitler a racist. On the streets, Channel 4 conducted vox-pops. An asian man argued that there was not racism, it was the product of cultural difference. That is the defence of the BNP and the UKIP. Under no circumstances should cultural difference be the veneer of racism. And that is the habit of people not keen to get involved in the racist argument, misguided optimists, racists, and those who have spent their lives without an education or regular exposure to racism. And Jade falls into the last category here.

Big Brother is the first time in a long time that British people have had to think about their attitude to race. This is because a lot of us don’t interact with working-class people of other races, and non-whites are grossly under-represented in the media. Reality TV has an intrinsic power to challenge the way we all think about other people. Maybe this is why so many people are snobbish about it- they are unwilling to look at poor people. Perhaps this is why people on the left are so keen to call it tacky, dumbing down, and exploitation- they are not keen to see the subjects of their ideals manifesting themselves in their own words and in their own ways. This is what Big Brother does. To ban it, or anything else, is to remove a racism that is real from the TV, because some find it distasteful. It’s censorship. Without censorship, the public, on the streets of the media, has responded and battled the racism of Jade, and undoubtedly won. The object now, is to win the peace- not to punish Jade in such a way that she can become a martyr. What she said is unforgivable, the words cannot be retracted, but as a person, she can be forgotten and rehabilitated.

As said by Trevor Phillips:

“And I don’t suppose that the Big Brother house is most people’s idea of any kind of reality. But in Kamal the bisexual Muslim; Derek, the world’s poshest black man and Makosi the feminist Zimbabwean nurse who seems entirely capable of putting a quick end to Mr Robert Mugabe’s rule if she were to get anywhere near him with an enema …... we have three people who would confound any possible stereotyping.
Most encouragingly, according to the man behind Big Brother, Peter Bazalgette, the evidence is that the voters do not line up in any way - that is to say they seem completely uninfluenced by issues of race and ethnicity in deciding who they want to chuck out or keep in.
I could also have mentioned Wife Swap, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, or any of the talent shows like Pop Idol, and of course, Mastermind. Many of these also now feature black and Asian authority figures as judges. Fame Academy's David Grant, Strictly Dance Fever's Stacy Haynes, and Big Brother psychologist Sandra Scott are all minority role models for young people of all kinds.
Above all, I would like tonight to remind us that the media can change this nation for the better. Thank you for being here, and thank you for what you’ve all done, are doing and will do for the cause of integration. Nothing is more important to our country’s future.”

Or was it:

“The reason so many people are disturbed by what they have seen is that the programme is holding up a mirror to our society and few of us like what we see.

"We need to confront questions much larger than whether we approve of a TV programme and we have to ask ourselves whether we are as tolerant a society as we would like to be.

"This programme has laid bare the dark heart of private prejudice that all too often sits behind the public veneer of tolerance.

"It tells us we still have work to do to feel at ease with our diversity."”

Are you listening?

2006-12-14T11:56:00.000-08:00

They came in the night
In a small caravan
And parked round the back
On a small piece of land

A man and a woman
With animals too
They settled for weeks
To deliver a jew

Then came their friends
For a party or two
Because of the stars
Or maybe the moon

We saw the jew grow
Into a man
With long hippy hair
And holes in his hands

He said he loved men
And made his own brew
And then he proclaimed
He was king of the jews

We weren't too sure
He seemed like a krusty
But others believed
They also smelled musty

And years down the line
After he died
These followers ruled
The world and its wife

And once a year
To remember this day
We all go shopping
On amazon.co.uk

Johhny Footballer's poem

2006-10-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

Money was a dream
I had
Before I woke with
Loads of stuff
That broke and snapped
Or got lost.

Johnny Footballer: I'm That F*cking Good.

2006-10-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

PART TWO OF HIS CACK AUTOBIOGRAPHY. SERIALISED ONLY ON MR BLOGGY.

It was Sunday morning, after training, when the gaffer told me I was going to be leading the attack that Monday night. The other two strikers were on remand for gang rape at a club on Friday night. Unknown to the boss, I was also on bail, for stealing tic tacs from the newsagents across the road from the training ground. Then smashing it's window with my forehead a little later. The bail conditions required me to stay at home from 7 o clock every evening. Kick-off was at 8 o clock. What was I going to do? Make my debut, at Anfield, live on Sky Sports, and risk a jail sentence? Or tell my boss about the bail conditions? I asked my dad for advice.

"Son, you always have three options in football. If you've got the ball, you can pass, you can shoot, or you can foul."

I got my older brother, Franky, to borrow my clothes and stand in my front window for two hours, waiting for the probation officer. I ran onto the pitch, confident that I'd get away with it. And I did. The magistrate was a woman, and never knew. In the third minute, I scored my first goal, at the age of 17 and 333 days. Jimmy 'Bignuts' Bignuts crossed a low ball in from the right. I controlled it near the edge of the 6 yard box, saw the goal keeper, and dived. Dived like Jacques Cousteau off the Olympic high board. The keeper was nowhere near me. I grabbed the ball, and put it on the penalty spot. Jimmy 'Bignuts' was meant to take it, but he knew I had issues, and was best left to it.

I'd planned my celebration before the match. The lads thought I was being cocky, but I knew I'd score. I'd written "Fuck the Dockers" on a t-shirt under my kit. It was a reference to the popular industrial dispute of the time. I stuck the ball in the top corner, ran straight to the Kop and pulled up my shirt. The whole stadium erupted, fans flooded the pitch, Johnny Footballer had arrived. Leeds 1, Liverpool 0.

Then the downside. The match was abandoned, the FA reviewed the footage. The bureaucrats and sex-addicts at the FA saw the shirt and judged it offensive, and banned me for 8 months. There were also allegations of me using a disabled fan as a human shield to keep the Liverpool fans at bay, but there was no evidence. I was merely taking him into the tunnel to provide him with some shelter, and his minder had run into my studs when trying to steal my boots.

That first suspension was the worst time in my career. The gaffer wanted to terminate my contract, but my agent threatened legal action if he dared. All I wanted to do was play football, but it had been taken away from me by the fascists at the FA. The public wanted me banned for life, and effigies of me were lynched across Merseyside. I decided the best way to deal with the situation was to try and inject some humour into it. My agent suggested a formal apology to the people of Liverpool, which I did. A press conference was called in Liverpool city centre. I turned up in a shellsuit, afro wig, and fake moustache, and repeated the phrase: "Cam down, Cam down" over and over. It was a catch-phrase of the BBC comedian Harry Enfield, and had been well-received by him. But people were determined to dislike everything I did. Like Diana, Princess of Wales, I had become a victim of media misrepresentation and an unwarranted target of public hate. Unlike her, I survived my Mercedes hitting a wall at high speed.

TOMORROW. JOHNNY FOOTBALLER COMPLETES HIS FIRST SEASON, GETS PICKED FOR ENGLAND, RETIRES, DATES A POP STAR, COMES OUT OF RETIREMENT, WINS THE LEAGUE CUP, RETIRES AGAIN, LOSES HIS DRIVING LICENSE, COMES OUT OF RETIREMENT, DATES A PAGE THREE MODEL, RETIRES, GETS CAUGHT HAVING SEX WITH JIMMY BIGNUTS, COMES OUT OF RETIREMENT, GETS SENT OFF IN THE WORLD CUP THEN CONSIDERS RETIREMENT. "I considered quitting. Depressed?! Fuck off, the only depressing thing I've done is your mum!"

Message from my girlfriend

2006-10-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

If you mention me on your blog more, I will look at it more.

Johnny Footballer: I'm That F*cking Good.

2006-10-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

THE AUTOBIGRAPHY. SERIALISED. ONLY ON MR BLOGGY

I came from humble beginnings. Of course I did. I'm a fucking footballer. Middle class footballers are gay. My dad played part-time football for the Matchstick Girls second XI. He was top-scorer for five straight seasons, until they noticed he was a man, and had got my mum pregnant. That never-say-die, sod-the-rules, wear-a-dress, attitude has stuck with me all my life. It also inspired my pony-tail season in 97/98, which famously got tangled in Darren Peacock's hair when the match had to be abandoned for health and safety reasons. After the game Kevin Keegan told Richard Keys it was abandoned for 'Hair and Safety' reasons. I almost pissed myself. I know that on camera it looked like I tried to headbutt Keegan in the tunnel, but I was just trying to separate myself from Darren. Darren and I are still friends today. We've got to be, we spent four months stuck to each other while doctors tried to remove the hair. It now sits in the trophy cabinet of Newcastle United. Well, what the fuck else can they put in there!

Back to my childhood, my mum gave birth to me at a bus stop in Canning Town, with help of a local rastifarian. On exiting her womb, I kicked the rastifarian in the willy and stuck my tongue out. A passing local remarked that the way I kicked the ball, I could play for West Ham one day. My mum said that the way I kicked the black man, I could play for Millwall. Of course, I played for neither, and signed schoolboy forms for Leeds United at my eigth birthday party in McDonalds. And as you know, the love of McDonalds, has stuck with me all my life. It's good quality, nutritious and cheap food. Good for people of all ages. And current sponsors of my 'Kick Football, Eat Shit' academy in Thailand.

The commute to Leeds domiated my life until I moved into digs on my sixteenth birthday. It meant I only went to school twice a year, on mufty days. I would wear my Leeds kit with pride on those days and be taunted by children who heard of my dad's disgraceful sacking from the Matchstick Girls Second XI, but I didn't care. I had studs and attitude. And not the Old Compton Street studs and attitude.

I don't regret not going to school often. It was never for me, and I preferred the commutes and sleepovers involved in travelling to Leeds. Graham Rix used to make sure that I was happy, and always gave me somewhere to stay, even though he was with Chelsea. He really took an interest in my progress, and helped me prepare for future marketing needs and photo shoots. Of course, because I was too young to be sponsored, I had to practice without the clothes, but once the sponsors came, I was able to pose like a pro.

TOMORROW- JOHNNY FOOTBALLER'S DEBUT AND SUBSEQUENT 8-MONTH SUSPENSION: "HE WAS FUCKING ASKING FOR IT!"

Superbloggy

2006-09-13T05:59:00.000-07:00

Right, reality tv is brilliant. Any blogger who dares to disagree is being a tad hypocritical. The information revolution, and tv as a genuine means of communication, has reached a beautiful high that people could only have dreamed of. The Running Man, and other fantasies about future media, assumed that the televised spectacle would reach its lowest denominator by catering to violent urges that are assumed to be innate. But that's bollocks. What really happens, is that people show an urge to not watch the violent, but to watch the emotions and life of other people. And not just people as created by scriptwriters, but people as created by themselves. The love of watching reality tv is as natural and beautiful as the love of watching football.

Of course, the big concern here is that the tv companies are not reproducing fact, or creating fiction, they are shaping the real, as we stand in it. This is a dangerous game. The last big brother troubled people greatly because it failed to leave out people whose best interests were blatantly not being in a small, watched environment with tossers. At the same time, this mistake was not surprising, given the program's desire to include people according to the program's motives, and trust the contestants to make the right decision according to their own reasoning. It doesn't exclude or include according to typical social taboos- they've allowed transexuals, disabled, young, old, gay, minorities, etc. It doesn't pass ethical judgement on contestants when selecting them, so the ability to medically assess them is a grey area. Needless to say, only a short time ago, gays, transexuals, people with tourettes etc. would have been ethically screened from tv programs. So it's a shame that Shabaz was on Big Brother, but no surprise. The program selected according to a profit logic, and the contestant mis-judged their own application. Then walked-out.

What I'm getting at here, is that reality tv bashers should think twice. There is an ethical concern, but everyone volunteers with a great knowledge of the possible consequences. Not like medical trials. There's nothing wrong with watching people run around for our amusement, cos that's football. Some people get hurt, and their life is changed for ever, just for pursuing the adulation of a country. Enjoying watching a game is ace. People have probably learned more from watching Supernanny and Wife Swap than from reading newspaper columnists. People participating in Jeremy Kyle and Faking It have done so for the opportunity to meaningfully improve their life- for free. Something the NHS and the New Deal fails at. And for once, non-fiction tv is showing people's lives in contexts that encourage thought, rather than throwing about instructions and news, or being straight documentary- like the great 7 up series.

Which leads to the important point. Has anyone else noticed that Supernanny has failed in every episode this series? The last fifteen minutes have just shown the family playing a big, physical game that makes everybody smile. And then we're meant to marvel at the fact she's calmed down the kids and adults by bringing out a giant snakes and ladders game. Piss off. Those kids are fucked by their parents, and there's nothing tv is going to do to change them.

Footnotes: None.

Things, can only get better.... can only get better

2006-09-08T05:09:00.000-07:00

How fucking brilliant. About time Osama bin Laden decided to stand down. Years, he's been leading the global jihad, and al-Qaeda. Apparently, he was forced to step down by a large hog in the neighbouring cave, who did his head in so much, that he said it was about time he published his memoirs and settled down in the suburbs. His dialysis machine needed replacing too. He called the last few years 'Not the best of times that al-Qaeda's had. It was all such a laugh at first, I was the credible alternative. Pretty, from rich stock, a smile to make your daughters go wet. Play army against the Russians, just like in Rocky IV. Then all these bombs started going off, people wanted me out of the way. So bollocks to 'em. I'm going, screw this fucking al-qaeda party. I never believed in it anyway, I just like to be liked. It's not even a party, there's no Whitney Houston for starters. I just want to dance with somebody. Yeah, somebody who loves me. Say you want to dance, don't you want to dance, with me baby. Say you want to dance..." At this point, the footage went grainy and large bangs were heard, as the fight to suceed him began.

Hardly news

2006-09-08T05:07:00.000-07:00

I've been to one. Definitely common.

Chairman Mao says...

2006-09-08T05:04:00.000-07:00

Change will come, change will come, from the magic of a wand

As promised

2006-09-05T01:54:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when I promised to give you a blog entry about world cup what I'd typed...

The 2 greatest things God gave us were the World Cup and holidays.

'You pull on a shirt. It's a booking. You don't go ten yards. It's a booking. You look cross-eyed at the referee. It's a booking.' Mick McCarthy, 14.57, Saturday

Luis Figo has been kicked in the face. No one was booked. Figo has been giventhe scar across his cheek that has, always, rightfully, been due to Figo.

Mick McCarthy provides the commentary like a miserablist, more righteously than Geoff Boycott in the pub.

Clash of Civilisations

Inside the gravitational field of the supremely modern Olympiastadion, the Brazilian fans were pulled, dancing, towards the turnstiles. The carnival of yellow, bouncing like Drogba at a corner, singing like Pavarotti, drumming like Brazilians. Oh wait. They are Brazilians. Just like you pictured them.

On the balcony, with the Croats, people rush to see the myth. With faces painted red and white, hair as short as Dennis Wise, people hard as Vinnie Jones. The giant tablecloth looks down on Brazilian dancing custard, and pulls out an air-horn

HOONNKK! HONNKK! HONNKKKKK!

All is quiet.

RIPper

2006-09-04T02:55:00.000-07:00

This has upset me, despite the facetious aussie headline. A football commentator would call his death ironic. It's not, it's tragic.

Quick post

2006-08-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

Gotta be quick, in new job. Can't piss about.

Does anyone know the last time an England captain, captained his side to league victory?

Backham didn't, shearer didn't, bryan robson didn't, I doubt Terry Butcher did it, or even Bobby Moore. Of course, this was cos the Liverpool team was normally full of scots, irish and welsh. But I would like to know the answer to this, and google hasn't helped me.

On the wall

2006-08-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

Right, The Daily Mirror's really let me down. I started buying it once I started university. I know students are meant to buy The Guardian, but I'd never bought newspapers before, and thought I should start small. That, and I did a sociology degree and there's really no need to read the guradian's pontificating pop-sociology in the comment section, when you've got to fucking listen to Giddensian tripe at school.

So, the Mirror has spent weeks campaigning against the sick war in the Lebanon, running front covers demanding a ceasefire, and an end to all the bloodshed. Today, the day before a demonstration of hundreds of thousands of people will make the same call, in the hope of making a positive difference. Because it is possible, given the timing. And the Daily Mirror doesn't even cover it. The front page is a story about a woman who's won the biggest ever divorce settlement. From a war profiteer. Who did the dirty on her with a younger woman. After his original wife had lived with him at her parents, because he was a peasant back then. This man still has millions. Lebanese and Israelis are still being murdered./ What tosh. bye

Selected things found in my notebook

2006-08-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

Sacked by the Department of Cunts

"Iain, can you come in here for a moment."
"Uh oh"
"Iain, Human Resources have been contacted by Industrial Relations about your e-mail usage."
"Oh yeah."
"Some of the content has been explicit and breached government policy. There's also been a very high volume of e-mails to one person outside the building. You also forwarded an e-mail that was against the e-mail policy to someone in the office. Usually, this would be a disciplinary matter. However, it is policy to not have disciplinaries for temps. We just terminte the contract."
"Oh. Double plus bad."

Reasons to not write in a note-book when depressed (this was some time ago, so don't worry)

"I'm tired as fuck & wondering where I'll be when I finish my non-drinking, in 6 months time, in 3 years time, in 30 years time. Will I be a nurse? A writer? An echo of a noisy friend's presence. That friend being X.
I often wonder like this. compare myself to friends. Imagine their brilliance and my muted ambition. But it does no good, and it's not true. It's me trying to compel myself & being competitive, and looking for a stick to beat myself with. That stick over there, in the future.
I'll accept these thoughts, tire, and move on.
Chase up Z about mercernary groups.
Put out recycling."

Things not to write coming from the mouth of doodle of a man with a beard

"I'm Robert Winston. You're a good boy. A nice, big, good boy. Now bend over."

poem?

Tryin to work out how to make you less pissed off
Wondering why we went out
On penalties
How are we so poor
In this country, in this world
Is this our lot, how it's meant to be
Until we're older

Poetry is a learning curve, that peaked at fourteen, and is now an attempt, to re-climb, that purile apex

Never wee in another man's pocket
And never look at his cock
Don't try to talk
Unless it's a friend
Or unless you know everyone's drunk
Never fish out a coin
Or moan or groan
But whistle
And pee
Or cough when you plop
Never ask for advice
Or try to go twice
Be nice
Not too nice
To nutters who mutter from vice
When you get to the sink
Wash if you've been seen
And if a man tries
To make your hands dry
Shake your head and don't blink

2006-07-11T09:33:00.000-07:00

I WILL BE SAD WHEN YOU LEAVE ME ON MY OWN BUT HAPPY COS YOU WILL BE
HAPPY X

Peter Crouch walks into a bar.

2006-07-06T04:42:00.000-07:00

What rot.
Doesn't that comletely undermine his point? I'm going to get the shark, poo on it, and call it the possibility of defacation on post-modern irony.

They meet in hell, at the end of time, and cackle triumphantly.

What of it?

2006-06-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah. You 'eard. Brazil are shit. Even Zlatan Ibrahimovic coulda scored 3 against Ghana.

Ain't a bad place to be.

2006-06-27T02:36:00.000-07:00

Hello, it's been a while. So I'm posting for posting's sake.

What's happened?
Big Brother. Big Brothel more like.
English flags. Bollocks. They're jinxing us. And I swear JJB Sports or Maxim weren't anything to do with the crusades. True fans who English against the world, get their arse to Basra. They've got some wicked flags on tanks.
Noel Edmonds has RSI. That's true. Since he left his wife.
I went to Berlin for the footy. That was fun. I've got a post about such things saved on disk, but can't upload it onto this computer.
Al-jazeera's cartoons were good a couple of weeks ago, while they had a football theme.

And Brazil are going to lose to Ghana tonight. I know you don't believe me, but Ghana have an amazing goalie, and even without Essien, they are organised and improved enough to win. If pimpong's fit enough to come off the bench, he could get one in the last twenty minutes. Kaka aside, I don't think Brazil have the heart or the tempo to win a world cup. Or the width to get through a narrow Ghana- Cafu and Carlos aren't the wingers they used to be able to be.

Right. Lets see how silly that looks tomorrow,

bye

America recounts

2006-05-26T09:08:00.000-07:00

John Kerry's win shows that high turnout favours The Democrats

I prefer pens

2006-05-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

I am doing a rather dull job at PEN. And have to type up some distressing poems today. I have cut n pasted three of the less brutal ones here. They're not by me, in case anyone logs on and thinks something bad has happened to me.

Heavensgate

The other politicos,
privileged by class,
education, family,

preen in their bravado,
safe from death, protected by old,
powerful benevolence.

They pay other inmates to sing their praises:
Shouts of ‘Baba! Baba! Poor man’s saviour’
chase their farts echoing up their own arses.

Other heroes here are men and boys
with no power, no privilege, no class,
nothing to gain: not even a book published.

Their crime is to be poor and proud
in the face of tyranny: unbroken by angels
they worry liars to madness.

And one of these nameless
crawled into my cell at night via sewer pipe
to give me a jar of his own blood

and paper, stolen inch by inch, hidden up
trained rectums and glued together into
sheets with mango sap.

‘To take write our suffering’

These true heroes are lost
in the heat hazes that shimmer over unmarked
graves riddling the swamp behind the prison walls.

Passover

Before he was transferred
again
for fraternising with the prisoners,

Lt Emile Elejegba came to
see me
in my cell at night.

Wrinkling his nose against the
smell
and trying hard not to cry,

he handed me a slim worn
volume
with the picture of a smiling white girl
on its cover. The Diary of Anne Frank.

‘This might help,’ he said gently.
‘I hear
Nelson Mandela read it on Robben Island.’

In the morning he was gone as
I turned
the first page and began to read.

Articles of Faith

Skills
learnt in prison are meant to
prepare you to assimilate on the outside,

But what to do with
a disciplined anus that can hide a
sharpened nail, piece of glass or even pencil?

How do you apply
the educated guesses; an ability
to predict who will live or die today?

Can you share or even tell
of philosophies and insights gleaned in
silent places of solitary confinement?

And who will buy
the blood you sold pint by pint to guards
in exchange for cigarettes, Coca-Cola or bread?

Your blood which they sold on to hospitals
private clinics, research facilities
and obeah men in juju shrines.

Who will believe
you can compose whole symphonies in your head
waiting the romance of strings and voices, because

here we are forbidden to sing?

by Chris Abani

Danko

2006-04-21T05:56:00.000-07:00

I went to see Danko Jones. He was much good. Imagine this, but without the ladies.

Football, Football

2006-04-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

Pft. What about this?

Is there anyone out there

2006-03-27T04:08:00.000-08:00

Sadly, I can't pick up Channel 5 in South Africa. Could one of my 'Harmette' groupies please record Columbo from 15.30-17.30, today, on channel 5? It stars Johnny Cash. I love Johnny Cash, and have been practising my impersonations of him- I have been walking around saying: "Hello, I'm Steve Harmison" to the only two people who visit me: Duncan 'Fletch' Fletcher, and Andrew 'Straussy' Strauss, who comes to the hospital to play some games he learned at public school. I still don't like these games, but I like the company. He's made up a special game for me called 'Ring of Fire', because I missed everyone playing it before we won the third test. I find the game quite painful, and Straussy says I can't tell the doctors about it, especially the part where he puts the fire out. But I think they've noticed I'm not making the progress they expected, and they notice me crying at night-time.

Today, I get to watch the one day game. I'm very excited about it. I'm going to take my air rifle and sit in the top row and play Army.

Spring Forwards

2006-03-27T04:05:00.000-08:00

Hello. I haven't put anything in my diary because my stress fractures are so depressing. I'm lying in bed watching television. I decided to not put my clock forwards, and am just watching E4+1, Cartoon Network +1, and Afrikaans News 25 instead.

End of third test

2006-03-14T07:52:00.000-08:00

My diary was going to tell you about the tragedy of me going for a golden duck to Apil Krumble, my rock steady bowling display, and Duncan Fletcher's rendition of Barbie Girl, but I've just seen the news.

What the fuck are the Israeli military doing this time? Every country deserves the right to hold its own prisoners, and make its own judicial decisions. I would've thought Israel would know this better than most, since they imprison most young Palestinian men at some point in their lives, for 'security' reasons. It is a truly disgusting, symbolic, invasion of the little bit of power that Palestine has within the pissy little borders that Israel pretends to recognise.

And the role of the Britain that I'm representing at Test level is fucking cowardly, pulling out of a premises that they were meant to be protecting. I wouldn't want the army in my corner protecting me. Though there was little they could do, having made the pattern for storming Arab prisons in Basra last year.

Today there was an act of violence, arrogance, stupidity and cowardice that will set a new standard for all the other violent, arrogant, stupid, cowards in the area- and there's a lot of them.

It's just not cricket.

Tape found

2006-03-13T08:04:00.000-08:00

Sir Ian Blair: "Can I speak to Lord Hutton, please?"
Lord Hutton: "Speaking."
Sir Ian Blair: "Is your freezer running?"
Lord Hutton: "Pardon?"
Sir Ian Blair: "You'd better go and catch it, then. Ha ha. Nob."

Sir Ian Blair hangs up the telephone, but leaves the tape running.

Sir Ian Blair: "That was so funny, I can't wait to play the boys the tape"
Brian Paddick: "Sir Blair, your joke didn't work. I don't believe his freezer was running."
Sir Ian Blair: "It will be when I tell the story"

Tape ends.

Second test, day 2

2006-03-10T02:04:00.000-08:00

We had Apple Crumble at the tea break today. 'Freddie' Flintoff picked up a big slice, shouted "Who amI!", then threw it at me. It hit me on the chest, then fell on the floor. He then shouted "Apil Krumble! You'll have t'bat better than that, Harmy, if you don't want Apil Krumble to get you out!". Trying to join in, I picked the apple crumble up off the floor and shoved it in my mouth, and shouted "I'm going to swallow Anil Kumble's balls!". No one has spoken to me since.

Second test, day 1

2006-03-09T04:01:00.000-08:00

Have decided to take up a diary of the tour, since it's raining here. So far, we've done well for ourselves. My batting was amazing, and I'm hoping to be the opener for the second innings. I practised yesterday by batting golf balls using a toothpick, and not wearing a box. It seems to have heightened my reactions and co-ordination, but left me needing Andrew Strauss to use a sand wedge to chip out of my rough. I let him do it because he's good at not touching balls close to the off-stump.

Awgh. Flintoff's done a really smelly fart. He really lets rip sometimes. He's got a bit of Delhi Belly at the moment. I'm waiting for Ian 'Belly' Bell to fart, so I can say that he's got Blow-off Flintoff.

I'll get Flintoff back for that fart though. In a couple of years, he'll realise that I'm the father of his baby! Just got a text from Shane 'Shaney Warney' Warne congratulating me. He's the only one who knows.

It was the lifestyle mag wot won it

2006-02-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

Wapping was one thing. Accusing Liverpool fans of pissing on the dead was pretty bad. And Fox News wrongly declaring George W Bush President left a sour taste. But nothing, nothing, is as low as Loveit! Magazine. The prick-teaser.

Though I do wish their adverts featured Kevin 'Loveit!' Keegan

Someone's in a bad mood

2006-02-22T03:52:00.000-08:00

The rumbles could be heard overground
As it left the station, frowning
Time was delayed
On a circle
Carrying smoke and unwanted dirt

The rain didn't touch it
It shivered on stone rails
Music played
No one danced
A struggle to destination

Emerging into a cold wind
And a damp that touched the nostrils
It was over
There was colour
And life itself can start again

Je suis terrrorist

2006-02-20T01:34:00.000-08:00

'Brown Someone who smokes in a public place is effectively a very slow suicide bomber.' - Armando Ianucci, The Observer

When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed

2006-02-17T04:43:00.000-08:00

What happened to the white bands? The ones which played Live 8. And Kanye West, who played philadelphia.

Nine of the sixteen Brit Awards went to people who appeared at Live 8, and who didn't have a fucking thing to say when they were given a microphone and an audience.

They were:
coldplay
kanye west
kaiser chiefs
madonna
green day

Dear Jordan

2006-02-07T01:50:00.000-08:00

In our toilet, in my house, we keep a lot o' celeb magazines to read while taking a dump. Here's the sub-headings from Jordan's letters page (OK Magazine):
'My Boyfriend Refuses to Kiss me!'
'I kissed his Best Friend!'
'I have No Mates'
'How can I get him to Notice Me?'
'He Wants me Back'
'I was raped'

A review

2006-02-02T02:56:00.000-08:00

The USA had Vietnam, we had Thalidomide. And now we have something fit to remember it by, Thalidomide! A Musical.

It has a proper good story, is funny, and there's music too. It's slapstick and articulate, well-acted and heart-warming, and way better than that Jerry Springer Musical everyone goes on about. It's on at the perfect venue, where you can comfortably see the expressive faces of Kate Winslet's sister and Matt Fraser, and where Matt Fraser's voice has an intimate punk-charm, rather than a lack of big-stage training.

I'd give it 7 stars, because Time Out's 6 just don't suffice. It warrants Matt Fraser having a Wikipedia entry, if he wants one. And in the words of Anna Winslet's schoolgirl character, it makes me wish I had little arms.

Quote

2006-02-02T02:51:00.000-08:00

"I've got a poo practically falling out of my bottom"
Melanie Towers (my girlfriend), too early this morning.

He moves in mysterious ways

2006-02-01T08:02:00.000-08:00

Welcome Home You never left

FOR SALE

2006-02-01T07:57:00.000-08:00

Will work for anyone
This is what blogging is about- stories from people whose voices would otherwise go unheard, who have been prejudiced against for no reason other than where they were born, and that remind us how lucky we are to not be them. Imagine if Nelson Mandela had a blog

This is big bro Taking over the show With this nu flow You need to listen up And feel this shit Cos we won’t quitWe make them hitsAnd stack them chips

2006-01-26T02:51:00.000-08:00

Galloway to Davina, explaining his heroic performance on the greatest test of human ability since the Krypton Factor, You Say We Pay, with Richard & Judy:
Galloway:
"They picked me for my articulateness"

Spastic. That's what I would have called him if I was ten, but I am very unarticulate.

In the Kingdom of the SWP, George was king. Now he is nothing. I look forward to him becoming a pantomime dame, on a fallen ego roadshow with Bobby Kilroy-Silk. There's no point in the Respect party still trying to be credible or manage his demise on telly, they take everything a bit too seriously. Did anyone see John Rees, convenor of the Stop the War Coalition, arguing with Christopher Hitchens about Galloway on Big Brother. What a fucking joke. Why does Stop the War Coalition want to get itself covered in the shit spraying from Galloway's mouth? Face it, the guy's a James Blunt, let him leave quietly and spend his last days at Dennis Rodman's 'orgy parties'.

It;s in the envelope

2006-01-23T09:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Tony Blair,
I was upset the other day to hear that mentalists were planning to kidnap your son, Trio. I think it is an outrage that in this day and age, even the Prime Minister’s son has to live in fear.
It was pleasing, therefore, to hear that Mr Hodge will introduce measures to protect my children from being victims of playground perverts at school. However, I do not believe these measures are far-reaching enough, and they do not prevent my children from going into a record shop and buying a seedy by Jonathan King.
For that reason, I am starting a campaign against the release of Jonathon King called Mother4King Justice. I hope I can count on your support.
Mr Blair, could you please do all you can to further the cause of Mother4King Justice, and would you consider becoming a spokesperson for Mother4King Justice when you retire. It would be lovely to see some appreciation of the principles of Mother4King Justice in your foreign policy as well. Obviously, Mother4King Justice was alien to you before, but now, you can no longer be ignorant of Mother4King Justice.
You Nob
Emma Weasle

p.s. Mother4King Justice wouldn’t do you a bit harm. Promise.

STOP PRESS

2006-01-23T02:33:00.000-08:00

Liberal Democrat Party? Boozers, rent boys? Sounds more like a Michael Barrymore party to me. We just need minger to turn up dead in the swimming pool

FATWA

2006-01-23T01:37:00.000-08:00

Fatwas R Us Fatwa, Fatwa, Fatwa, Fatwa, Fatwa, Fatwa
Contact Omar Bakri Mohammed, leave a short message describing the infidel, and a fatwa will be issued for £2. Request 2 fatwas, and get a fatwa against Israel for free.

(Expect to see a fatwa against this site soon. It is definitely jahilli.)

OFFERED

2006-01-19T07:39:00.000-08:00

Expert reconciliation. Can solve Israel-Palestine, Unionist-Republican, Geordie-Makkam conflicts. Contact Tokyo Zoo not scotland

Stop press

2006-01-19T07:20:00.000-08:00

Crazy Dutch

WANTED

2006-01-16T02:21:00.000-08:00

Temporary Goldie Lookin Chain Member Needed to cover in Maggot's absence. Must like bling-bling, tracksuits, and jive talking... No age limit

LOST

2006-01-13T02:34:00.000-08:00

Cat. Fifty-something years old. Whiskers. May have been trained by Blofeld. Very curious. Last seen here, here, and here. Not been seen here. Known to go stray. Expect to see outside the soon-redundant Respect headquarters. Probably in the sewers somewhere, aspiring to the gutters.

WANTED

2006-01-12T05:21:00.000-08:00

Humane mousetrap... oh, and a house please. Send to Scratchy.